Exploring the Human Condition: altered states of consciousness

Archive for July, 2012

Fear is being Fed to Us

This post is going to be mostly about fear.  It has been said many times and in many ways, it’s not about what happens to us, it’s about what we do with it.

I can’t say what would happen if a senseless and horrible act was committed and I was there to witness it, or be a part of it.  They also say, you never know until it happens to you.

So I will just pontificate in general terms, because I think the subject warrants some verbage.  We all know “something” will eventually get us.  This party ends at midnight, time to go home.

With that in mind, it seems that fear is something that can and perhaps really should be conquered.  No matter how many times a psyche doctor or hypnotist were to put a large grasshopper on my arm to de-sensitize me from the fear, I don’t think it would ever work.  Logically, I know that the bug can’t begin to really hurt me, they just totally creep me out.  I guess I am afraid of them, in the “please don’t touch me” kind of way.

But one day, I just got tired of the fear.  I wanted to walk in my back pasture, and it was thick with the tiny monsters, but I put on my brave face, and my boots, and I just walked right in amidst them.  Stomping right into their habitat, they starting fleeing right away.  Jumping up and flying sideways with that awful characteristic clacky buzzing sound, (maybe it’s their legs, or their wings) whatever it is, it’s unnerving to me.  But then I realized that they seemed to be very aware of me, of my presence, and they clearly wanted to get as far away from me as possible.  So, point being, even though my feelings haven’t changed much as far as my tolerance of these creatures, I am not really moved to any state of actual fear anymore.

I will tell you the truth.  Several years ago, I was having a very hard time dealing with regular things.  I had a very hair-trigger temper, I was easily irritated, and sometimes I was so overwhelmed by my realizations that I would be reduced to crying, the only outlet I could find for feeling so helpless.

So I went back to the doctors and explained what was happening to me and how it was beginning to really limit me, physically, socially, in so many ways.  Well, of course, I was prescribed an anti-depressant, and having taken them before, I remembered the relief that was possible.  But the doctors also placed a label on my “mental state” saying I was bipolar.  With that diagnosis came another prescription, an anti-psychotic drug, which had a long list of side effects.  But I dutifully took the medicines, as prescribed, because I knew something needed to change.  I wasn’t being myself, and I wanted to feel better.

Some time passes, and I am on a depression site, talking with other depressed people, making some friends, sharing experiences, trying to understand my problems, when another person comes forth and warns me that these anti-psychotic drugs I took were extremely dangerous.  That all doctors knew that people that took them suffered measureable cognitive decline.

Well, at the time this was presented, I was doing pretty good, I thought, even better.  I was sleeping again, I was moving about, going outside, my panic attacks in large crowded places started to be under control, my roommate said how much better I seemed to be.

Then I again started to research the drug, I read lots of forums where people gave their story on bipolar and anti-psychotics.  Bear in mind, these types of drugs are also given to full-blown schizophrenics, people that suffer delusions.  They have problems staying grounded in reality.  But more and more research indicated that I was indeed willfully ingesting something that had devastating effects on my internal organs, not to mention my poor brain.

Then I started cutting back on them.  And I know that when you start backing off a medication, you will suffer reverse effects.  It’s not easy, and it’s not fun.  So I worked at it, tried to just take it if I became agitated, or couldn’t control my emotions, or suffered insomnia.  But soon, I began to notice that when I took this pill, the next morning would just drag by, and I would be “weighed down” by some sort of heavy feeling in my head and my body.

But I am a persistent soul, so I kept at it, until I was able to only take one if my world started to crumble before my eyes, but seriously, if anxiety, for any reason, reared its ugly head.  I so feared those horrible panic attacks, where I could only want to run, flee for my life, usually because I was in a large building and I had to get back out to the air.  But amazing as I found it to be, I seemed to be past this scenario, I could think and stop the process before it started.  It was irrational and I was just being silly.  If I needed to go outside and get some air, fine.  But the dramatics were drastically reduced and now I could see that.

Then one day, the prescription was out.  I thought to myself, well, I better go ahead and fill it one more time, just to have, in case I trip the meter again…  but funny thing happened, the doctor’s office refused to fill it unless I came in, so I just said fine.  Good enough reason to just stop them.  Good day to quit.

I recently read an article about anti-depressants, and how they don’t cure anything, they don’t really “help” the patient, as much as they just cover up the problem.  This stood out like a red flag for me.  Again, I started reading things like it was the first time I ever considered the issues.  It was like for the first time in years, I could think clearly.  I think it is because I am clean and free of the anti-psychotic drug.

Now of course, I would like to stop the anti-depressant med.  But every time I try to back off this one, even if I don’t have head rushes up the back of my neck, I experience some pretty acute anxiety after I try to close my eyes and sleep.  So sadly, I have taken the full dose the past two days.  And I feel stronger today, more directed, more able to control myself, I am more content I guess. But this contentedness is driven by my fear that I could go back to that place of dysfunction again if I don’t stay medicated.

Like anything, as much as we are all different, we are also very much the same.  I may be one of those people that just can’t do without the filter of medication.  I still have to weigh this one out.  I feel relieved that there are no obvious effects of stopping the other medicine, except the insomnia is back.  But I know if I could be more physical, it would make a huge difference in that problem.

You want to know what I fear the most?  Complacency.  Stagnation.  Living in a fantasy world.  Wasting my life.  I fear that if I don’t get my ideas out there where people can read them, I might miss that one person who could benefit.  I see terrible, horrible things wrong in our society right now.  And luckily, I hear other people that share my concerns.  Sadly, I don’t see enough of my friends, or enough other people who are willing to open their minds to find their own truths.  If the things I am exposing myself to, in trying to educate myself, gets labelled “extremist,” then big deal.  I am not a finance expert because I read and expose myself to banking and economic issues.  I am not an “extremist” because I am willing to listen to alternative ideas and people that want change in this nation of ours.  I would be an extremist if I did sell my place, burn the money and move to a jungle somewhere and set up camp.

I think I have gone past denial, gone past fear, gone past anger and blame, into curiosity, and seeing the need for change.  Hoping it is not too late for that, maybe enough smart people can offer up their ideas and people can find a way to have their voice heard.

I will tell you this.  When you conquer a fear, it feels really good.  When you are able to do something, you weren’t sure you could do, it gives you a huge rush of contentment.  When you set forth to educate yourself, learn new ways, set out on a new course, it is exciting and empowering.  I tell you this, I had no money to lose with the banks.  After working for attorneys for years, I was far too suspicious for a 401k plan.  Honestly, I wondered why we worshipped these green pieces of paper with the odd pyramids and the single eyeball on it.  With the words “new world order” in latin or some ancient language printed on it.

If this is “natural selection” gone wild, then I do want off the train.  I will gladly join my peers in building a newer safer world.  If being rich, having super expensive “things” is what has value in “this” society, then I don’t mind seeking another group of people focused on creating a better society.  I don’t really understand all the political terms, like when you hear “he’s a socialist” or he’s a “right-winged conservative.”  After seeing what I’ve seen with Pres. Obama, I don’t trust the elite democrats either.  You know, there was a little guy from Texas, his name was Ross Perot, and he was rich, he had money, but he brought himself up from virtually nothing.  He wasn’t riding on the success of his blue-blood old family money.  I did vote for Mr. Perot, for all the good it ever did.

Until a true leader steps up, until I see someone I can really respect, I won’t be rushing to the voting booths this time.  Show me a person that has credibility, show me a person who has vision, who has courage and heart, and I will step back up and try again.  When I read all the things people are saying about John Kennedy, it just sickens me.  When I hear his speeches, I think I can hear him trying to tell us things he wasn’t free to spell-out in public.  That someone or something or some group took this man’s life, a man that truly was a leader of men, is very disturbing and everyone should take notice.  Then someone killed his killer, who was then also killed.  WTF?  I was a second-grader when Pres. Kennedy was killed.  As far as I can see, it’s been downhill from there.

I am thinking if most people hunker down, hoard a little food and weapons, and just sit back and wait for STHFan, it will be too late.  We not only have to care about ourselves, and our families, but we really have to be ready for change, to embrace what is good for not only our country, but for our world.  There was the war in Viet Nam and the War in Iraq, and today I read stuff where the media was pushing fear on us about a new war with Pakistan about a year ago.  Then it seems China stood up and said “NOT!”

Now I admit, I am not versed in all things political.  For years, as a medicated and very depressed possibly psychotic individual, I was in no way interested in things political.  But as I have begun to open my eyes, grow up, look around, get off the prescription meds, see the obvious, I am far more inclined to look square in the eyes of any man or woman who tries to deceive me.  I will bravely have my voice heard in the face of injustice.  I am soundly commited against the American Policy of waging war in other nations on the premise of spreading democracy and freedom.  Listen to the boys we sent to these wars — I mean, the ones that survived.

I love my people, I love America, but I think that if you were able to take down the Only for profit corporations, what I call the Killing Machines, if you could clean out government agencies and remove the motivation for more and more money, more and more stuff, more and more delusions, I might could think about trust and respect for my country’s government again.  Maybe if my country’s government didn’t purposely deceive me, directly ignore my people and their voice, maybe if we could whittle down all the beaurocracies and all the fat-cat beaurocrats, and re-direct our national focus to actually help improve the lives of our people, really care about the health of our children and their futures, and stop all the madness centered around money, weed out the greedy, and the purely selfish, and open the doors for people who support change without fear of them being killed or eliminated, I wouldn’t need to be depressed.  Then we might actually be able to extend a hand to our fellow man around the world.  And I don’t mean sending troops to other countries to wage war and terror on the people that live there.

You can call me what you like, you can tell me to shut-up, or you can just laugh me off as just another bleeding-heart hippie.  Whatever you want to think, I strongly suggest you look around.  Wierd sh*t is happening, horrible tragic things without explanation are occuring every week.  Here’s the good news, we have the internet.  If you jump on, and do a little research, start listening to people that already saw all the greed and all the problems long ago, you might just have a real natural honest shift in perspective.  And until a whole lot more people are willing to speak up against all the stupid and insane things happening, and I say go even further, to start to engage our “leaders” for change, until then, the abuse of power will continue.  I don’t know exactly what it will take, or where we start, but I firmly believe that every single American person has a myriad of things they can do.  You start in your own world, and you go from there.  We all know what’s right and what’s wrong.  We’ve just been blinded, we’ve been truly subdued.  But when you just can’t sleep anymore because it is the children who are suffering in the end, our beautiful, beautiful babies, it is time to change things.  Really time to do something more than be complacent.

So if that makes me extreme, okay.  In the wake of the latest tragedy in Colorado, I watched old videos today of Breslan, Russia a few years ago, when a whole group of men took over a school of little children, and so many of these tiny souls, totally innocent babies, were killed in an act of violence so horrible it is hard to comprehend.  Apparently, mind-controlled men with no reason to live anymore, can be taught to kill innocents in the name of…  well, something…  nothing in the world could justify such evil.

Yet we are still hunkering down, trying not to be noticed, afraid to give up our routine, no matter how miserable and unproductive it might be, afraid of change…  I put to you now, What if change meant a better life for you and your children, and we could go to bed at night knowing that children in the world weren’t dying because they were hungry?  What if there was something we had missed, because we have been so bombarded with the “bad news,” dumbed-down by drugs and toxic non-food products, what if there was hope after all, when enough caring, intelligent people come together to lead us out of this crisis of mass proportions?  My own family experienced untold amounts of tragedy that was totally avoidable, and I am one of the last family members left standing, and glad to be too, so that my voice can still be heard, and I sleep better knowing that if even one child on earth is affected in a good way to enjoy a better life, because of something I was brave enough to do, or smart enough to say, then my life had purpose and meaning.

It’s just not about being careful and cautious anymore.  It’s too late for that.  I know it’s harsh and brutal, and no one wants to deal with it, but come on folks, let’s pull our heads out, someone please tell the government we’re sick and tired of this circus of deceit and destruction and we are ready to be heard, at whatever cost.  If and when I have to leave this world, I don’t want to be cowering away in my bedroom, taking a pill to sleep, taking other pills so my mind is basically blanketed and silenced.  I want to be working out in the open for change, so that the young people of this country that I love so dearly have a decent fighting chance for a real and honest life.  No more of the crap we’ve been fed for so long.

Maybe I am experiencing an “altered state,” certainly I am not locked in a fear-based mentality any longer.  I see so much experience and potential, so much ability in so many men in this country.  Surely there has to be a way that some of them can come together and demand something better before we all end up casualities of a war we never asked for, never saw coming, and could never win anyway.

I watched a video in the wee hours of last morning, where this really cool old guy was talking about aliens visiting the earth since the 1940’s.  And he wasn’t a nut case, he was just a man, tired of being quiet about it.  He suggested we just say “hi” instead of firing weapons at these ever-increasing UFO sightings.  I tend to think that as in any species, you have your good and your bad.  Clearly in humans, this is the case.  I also watched a video where it exposed how much it matters whether a child is nurtured when they are young, or neglected, and how it can continue to damage them, even into adulthood.  I can just imagine if you took small babies away from their mothers at an early age, and all they had was military training, and the comfort of other soldiers, what monster armies that would generate.  I still assert that it is not weakness to live for peace.  It is inhuman and insane to raise warrior babies.  It is no longer reasonable or acceptable to look away as crimes against humanity are adding up at incredible rates.  If we can just get a grip on what is really going on, how so much wrong in our world is created by men or puppets of an economic system that is no longer viable in any way, I believe it will be then that the good people of our nation will start to stand up and really be heard.  They printed up bogus money, we’ve sat by and watched the national debt rise into the trillions and beyond, we’ve been reposessed of our homes, and let go from our jobs, there are literally women and families walking the streets at night because they have no where to go, while those same people can hardly comprehend what has happened to them.

It is going to take bravery on a massive scale.  Fear is the first and most treacherous enemy we have to face.  Once you get past that, once you face what your fears really are, you can move past all that nonsense and start to become empowered again.  I think the most important thing any one person can do today or tonight, is to simply just look around.  Are you really happy?  Is there anything at all you can do, is there any tiny amount you might be able to give, in support of change.  Even more important, we must stop and find our voice.  Help other people to step out of their box, fight for a better tomorrow.  Expose all the lies and untruths that have been heaped upon us.  Stop the poisoning of our water and our food supplies.  All we have to do is stand strong together and be heard.  Strange stuff happening everywhere just started to really penetrate my blanketed brain, and I finally began to see the tragedy occurring all around me.  Sure, there are lots of rich elite that don’t want anything to change.  There are a lot of scared little men trying to avoid change, because of fear.  In closing, I will just point out, in all humility, that we were not intended for a life such as this.  We are far stronger than we think we are.  Get on the net, start looking for other people that are ready for change, find your own personal cause, and let’s show the world what can happen when America opens her eyes and starts cleaning house.  It’s coming, ready or not.

Advertisements

Tag Cloud