Exploring the Human Condition: altered states of consciousness

Archive for February, 2015

Sum Total of All Things

Born in 1955, and being shocked by the images and words that were coming off the tiny black and white television in my parents’ bedroom, mixed with the generalized anxiety always present in my first home, peaking to all out panic at least running on a monthly basis, my curiosity and heart was trained on any slight vestige of reason for it all…

Shoot forward to the present, where the overall tone of mistrust and denial rages on, and I find myself inward looking out.  It’s as if to shed all doubt, guilt or opinions, one must also stem the tide of never-ending information and stimulus, not a selfish act, but rather one of self-preservation, I think…

If I had a child, here’s what I might try to say to her…  I can’t make the sunshine break the clouds, I can’t even tell you how long it has been…  I’m not sure why we are here, but for the life of me, I think we best make good of it, in any case…  A terrifying proposition, but the best path to take.  So you suit up, and put your game face on, and you expend no extra energy that is not focused, with at least some direct intent.  Because up in here, up in this almost 60 year old human being, is something much greater than all of that.  It is indeed a great power, a gateway, if you will…

One of my favorite movies shows a great Buddhist Monk sitting in meditation, actually, his death meditation.  All his attending knew what was happening.  And you’d have thought the scene would have been most heart-wrenching.  But, that was not the case.  There was such love and compassion for this great spiritual leader, that they honored his process — a most graceful departure.

I had this stupid idea that things would be easier.  I have done all the prep work to finish things in good time…  The gardens, the house, the animals…  all things…  but truly, Nothing.Is.Easier.  I walk alone here, wondering why I find myself alone? Even the little red bird sings out a pretty song…  There are times when I really like it.  Times when the peace and the trees and the breeze are all one thing and I am just a fleck of dust in this huge picture.  That image really gets your goat, right?

I’m skeered beyond any reason, beyond thinking, because I know what lies ahead and even with the best of education and intention, it feels so terribly difficult to be a “land dweller.”  I live above-ground, eeking out an existence within the framework of what I have been given.  And all I dream of is oceans, wide loud beautiful oceans…  water for days…

While everyone else out here moves along doing their normal thing, I seem to be like a pinball bouncing from idea to idea, the only one here that is really awake and aware.  There is a crazy dance going on out there, I am thankfully not a part of.  I prefer my handful of interesting friends, my familiar trees and birds.  I may be alone, but only in terms of being the only human here most times.  There are multitudes of creatures with eyes, all looking, all busy, all trying to stay alive.  Just like me.

All I want for my 60th birthday is a swimming pool.  Any kind will do.

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