Exploring the Human Condition: altered states of consciousness

Posts tagged ‘angels’

Slowly Pulling Down the Blanket

Never had writer’s block before.  It’s a humbling experience, to say the least, actually just to say more…  it’s a vicious circle of defeat.  This state of being also prohibits any reading.  You are just desolate of original thought.

Digging down deeper seems a never-ending rabbit hole of illusions ripping apart our realities.  With nothing else left to lose, we stand on the edge of the rocky cliff barefoot, winds of a thousand years across our face, looking out, looking into the abyss…

What is left of a person when all that seems just and fair is only a lie that people want to hang onto.  Basically what we came in with, and then gradually survived through, to see this time.  Being so very vulnerable is not pleasant to me.  Exercising free will requires great courage when paired with focused thoughts and intention, because there is a proper result to be had…  a lesson to learn in everything.

When one of the senses is diminished, the others kick in double time.  It is a good advantage to remember.  To see the greatest sadness affords an ever-deepening appreciation of the goodness and beauty in this world, not the least of which is that which lies in the hearts of man.

She saw a great angel, with eyes full of tears, head in his hands, sending such great love to us, the tiny hearts of a kinder day…

Seeing 63

She asked me if I was scared.  I felt like screaming at her “DUH!  How insensitive and clueless could any one person possibly be?  This one directed statement has nagged at my soul endless hours already, and it must be dealt with.

Fairy tales are great here on Earth, but what about in the ethers?  What about that?  What about the spiritual realms we know little to nothing about.  Like a great garden, shamans the world over know it takes years to develop a strong spiritual practice.  In Christianity and smaller local places of worship, it is always easy for me to discern people who are very experienced in prayer, and those just there for the sermon.

The strangest addiction of western man, in my humble opinion, is the need for stimulation, and that covers all the lesser sub-addictions.  The absolute hardest thing I have ever in my life tried to do, is to strip away all the conditioning, all the pre-conceived notions of how this or that should be, and run past all the fears and the impossibilities like a champion to visualize and accomplish the preferred outcome.  When all the layers are peeled away, when all the masks and costumes, and makeup is removed, when you are finally able to simply turn off the endless dialogue or repeating tapes in your head, it can be an extremely shocking and in my case, actually frightening in itself, kind of experience.

So it is hard to imagine a person who never meditates, who has no spiritual practice, but just bounces through life like a pinball forever magnetized to seek that connection, for the points, for that stimulation that drowns out all the calm.  So when I think of Sagan, Carlin, Irwin, and so many others, and I wonder where they are, and what they are doing, I am pause to think better, and just know they are once again doing what they loved, what they did best, and for what they gave to us all.

What makes a man extraordinary?  What causes a living person to remember the likes of someone already passed?  Why do we grieve and mourn the loss of the people we loved?  What is it about this connection of the human heart we have all forgotten?  It is a pure pathway straight to the Divine, an open road, accessible to anyone who has a heart.  I used to have a little terrier, and in the early mornings when I would sit with her on the couch and wake up, I was convinced she was able to meditate, and dream, just like me.  Her face was so serene, eyes shut, smiling…  heart rate very slow…

Being so very intelligent and stimulating in life, I imagine the many aspects of Carlin are now fully integrated into every interesting nook and cranny of the universe.  We loved Carlin because he could stimulate our minds!  He could challenge our conditioned thinking and shock us into thinking for ourselves, as if that was something trained out of us.  Sure, he was getting older, but he didn’t appear ready to die, at least what I saw of him at the last.  But unless he turns out like Mandela, we were told that he’s gone.

So scared?  Come on.  Death is ALL things, the ultimate peak experience!  It surely must be home, or the way there…  For this place seems finite in every sense, every nano-second in flux.  Whatever was before, is no longer now.  And it would seem the only solace is to sit in silence and give over to this fear.  Listen to the birds, breathe, grieve, plead, and do whatever you must.  I think that is where the fear is born.  We fear total loss of connection.  We know the feelings, the constant stimulation of being in love, of having children around to look after, of running a business, or managing a house, or building a holistic farm, or how we feel when we do the things we love.  What we don’t know is how to listen, to be quiet and just breathe.  We simply cannot sit still and that is a shame.

This morning, the beautiful birds are my connection to you.  I miss you so greatly that I am willing to follow you, and go blindly where there is no going back.  Please be there waiting for me.  If angels still have arms, I want to hold you in mine.  Just be there.  All of you!  There can be no fear in that.

The Neighbor’s Revenge

The continuing saga of saving the farm continues.  The new family came out yesterday evening so the wife could walk the property next door before they make a decision.  Of course, I am desensitized to the amount of work it needs, but I am sure she was overwhelmed.  Luckily as she mentioned, she has four sons!  And a very strong capable husband who loves them so clearly.  

I was just working in the yard, watering plants, the usual when they got here.  She had her youngest baby wrapped up in a soft blue sheet affair, I would call a papoose holder…  ?  I don’t know, never had kids…  I heard the older boys running about, I heard laughing, silliness, and when they did surface again about a half hour later, they had good looks on their faces, and the dad looked a little hopeful, a little intense.  I know he really wants it.  

So the next step he said, was he wanted to go next door and meet the neighbor lady who has the dog-bite lien on the property.  His hope was to try and negotiate her down some.  It wasn’t gonna happen.  I knew that.  I also knew that she was most likely to say any number of ludicrous and defamatory remarks about me and my roommate, basically fabrications and gossip.  And she did.  But he didn’t tell me that when he called back this morning.  He just said that his wife was no longer interested, because of that neighbor woman.  Evidently she was extremely rude, which I expected, and being an honest man, of course he started off the conversation with her saying that he was interested in buying the land.  And since that was her intent from day one, I am sure she was livid.  Oddly, I don’t even think she cared about getting that $1600 anymore.  She must have been dancing on the ceiling over there at the thought of me going into default and losing the property completely.  Her one big chance to do what she wanted to do all along.  

Of course Joel is a good person and he would not say everything she said.  Not even worth repeating.  I hoped that by me telling him my story and by not being like her, by being more quiet and respectful, he could easily judge for himself who to give credibility to.  But she succeeded in upsetting his wife and his exact words on the phone earlier was “She’s just not interested anymore.  She’s afraid of that woman being next door, possibly causing us trouble at every turn.”  So it was up to me to convince him that she couldn’t.  If he gets a County Certified Septic system put in place over there, and he says that is his intention, and he re-fences everything carefully, so that when he gets a dog, which is his hope, his dog won’t disturb or frighten the poor thing, then she’s got NOTHING!  I made him an offer to compensate for this situation.  We had originally agreed that we would share labor and cost of building a privacy fence between us.  He mentioned that several times.  The other mean neighbors, the lady in question here, they never offered to help in those expenses, and I shouldered the whole fence I built there, and that her family enjoys as well.  No sharing there.  

But I offered to take in all the expense to privacy fence between me and him, so that he could concentrate first on privacy-fencing the eastern-most side, namely her and her very strange middle-school teacher husband.  That might have been the deciding factor. Good move on my part.  He also got concerned when we discussed the horse situation again.  He was thinking lawsuit I could tell, as he said what if I was with “his” horse and something happened, as it often does with horses, and I got upset and sued him.  So since I am legally cogent, I immediately offered to sign a Waiver of all Liability in that regard and any other regard really, because honestly, I don’t sue neighbors.  It’s just wrong.  Neighbors should be able to speak civilly to each other.  My take anyway.  

And in private I also explained to Joel that I have no heirs.  I have no one to give this property to, in case I make an unexpected departure sometime.  I told him that what i wanted to do after all this real estate wrangling was over, was to make out my will leaving this bigger side of the farm over here, to him.  Now my roommate would be hugely upset if he heard this, but it’s my decision.  And that is my decision.  This man is basically saving me from untold misery and regret, blaming myself for failures.  Plus when I heard his children laughing and being happy next door, it made my heart sing.  It sounded like angels to me.  Maybe they are….

But mean old crabby-appleton and her husband did their best to skew the deal.  You’d think they’d be happy to be getting their money back finally, and that her husband would have put a muzzle on her in order to get his money, but evidently, he wasn’t even present or speaking during the conversation through her screen door.  She didn’t even invite them in.  Very rude, unnecessarily.  How did a girl like me, who loves to visit and talk, I’m from East Texas for crying out loud, ever end up next door to a woman from near Woodstock that is so closed off, scheming, bitter and just plain nasty to be around ever end up as my next door neighbor.  I told Joel that wherever they go, there will always be crazy neighbors.  He said, yes, he had brought that up to his wife as well.

So by the end of the phone conversation we had, he had said twice, that yes, okay, we would go ahead and move forward on the deal.  He is going to help me go pay off these taxes this week, a week earlier than the deadline of the county for foreclosure.  YEE!!!

Doing the happy dance.  Doing the dance of joy…  Now I will have a HUGE buffer between me and her, and all the four-wheeler noise, and 4 boys tearing the place apart, dogs barking, even shooting at targets, all that will sound like a heavenly chorus to me…  haha Perhaps it is very snide of me, but come on, I get to have some fun here, right?  That old battle-ax deserves whatever comes her way, that’s how I see it.  She once said they planned to only live there for ten years and then sell out and move.  So I told Joel that, and told him we only have to just hold out, cause it’s already been eight years I think.  We will all still be here long after they are gone.  Another YEE!  

So I am going to put together a really professional outfit, and do my hair, and get my makeup all ready, and I suspect he will be calling soon, like tonight or tomorrow to tell me when he’s coming to get me, so we can drive over to Bastrop to the title company and sign papers to get this started as soon as possible.  All I have to do in the meantime is to call down to the County Clerk and see if she can tell me if the survey metes and bounds for these two sections are filed along with the deeds so we don’t have to do another survey. If that happens, it will totally wipe out any leftover monies because I will have to help pay for it, as it would involve both lots.  And it wouldn’t be cheap.  Surveys cost a lot of money, to me anyway.  At least $2,000 if it hasn’t gone up in the past six or seven years.

But really now, Joel has given me his word, twice.  And I’ve had to make some concessions, and I can tell he is all business when it comes to the money.  He feels his offer is fair.  Honestly, if he had just said let me clear up all the taxes and the lien and if anything is left, I will let you know, I would have said “fine.”  But if we can get through all this and save the farm from foreclosure and finally get free from the dragon-lady, it will be so worth it to me.  Maybe I won’t need to be depressed anymore, or stressed out to the max. Maybe the Angels will see fit to let me relax for a while, and enjoy doing some of the things I’m just crazy about.  And if that happens, then everything I ever hoped for and dreamed of, will have come true.  I could not be happier or more lucky.  And I am down on my knees morning and night to thank the powers that be, for their very tender mercy towards me in this situation.  I thank God for it all. And if my mom or dad, or any other of my relatives that have passed had anything to do with all this, then I will be very very happy to thank them one day…  haha

So poo-poo on the Neighbor’s Revenge.  Whatever she said, didn’t work.  She’s over there spitting venom again, so now we have to be extra careful to keep our gate locked, keep the dogs inside at all times, in fact my daily walk with Biscuit might even have to change and we might have to start walking the sandy backroad instead of the nice easy to travel on main road.  Funniest thing to me, is that I would have never wanted 4 boys and a big cowboy Dad whooping it up in that tiny area next door, it’s almost an acre and a half, but I think what sealed the deal with the beautiful old sandy carriage road behind us here, so it didn’t matter that Roy sold it anyway.  

I wish I could just go over there and sit down with her and apologize again to her for her pain and suffering, present her with the check myself.  But that’s not going to happen, and I still fear she will launch some new attack to mess me up in this deal.  But instead of thinking the worst, I’m just going to be happy, and when I get back from the title company and the papers have been signed and money has changed hands, I am going to be SOOOO happy and relieved, and when the new kids on the block start coming around and clearing land, cutting trees, moving in rv’s, and buying new chickens and working to build a 6 foot privacy fence on her side, I will just be sitting over here with my music going, happy as a lark.  Now I can start to write the book I’ve wanting to write for years.  

Everything looks like a win-win for everyone, but maybe the poor sad lady over there and her very odd husband.  But isn’t that how it works?  When you’re a mean person, you attract negative situations.  And when you are a sweetheart like me, hehe, well, I’m feeling very into children and four-wheelers and cowboys these days…  Just remember, you might not always get what you want, but if you try real hard…  la la la,  “you get what you need.”   🙂


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