Exploring the Human Condition: altered states of consciousness

Posts tagged ‘fear’

For Lauren ~

Proceed with Caution:  Strong Feminine Influence Ahead!  I must admit there have been more than a few times when I’ve stopped mid-flight, like some poised stage actor, at that one final instant before you accidentally step off that enormous cliff. And in this moment, I have wondered so innocently, “What do I do?”

There are many situations that can present in our modern world.  I believe that the modern woman is stretched so far beyond what has been our traditional roles, that even in this great year of 2014, I feel like a cave-woman, washing out my skins in the river.  It’s important to remember that even though we are highly equipped these days to zoom in and out, it might be prudent to take time out of your week, every week, to touch back down.  Literally put your bare feet onto Mother Earth, in her dirt, her dampness, her sometimes stickery greens…

It all feels like a test to me.  So if we are being asked to stretch, a lot, then okay.  I can do that.  The best moment in my morning is that first long enjoyable stretch standing in the wet grass that is my tiny front yard.  It is so cute and so poignant, that Mother Nature herself is right at the very edge, at the ready on the entire periphery that is my domain, such as she be. Whatever their test was or is, I’ve managed to fit in my agenda as well, and I like to think that it is a compliment and well worth the enduring effort.

I see so many amazing women now, thanks to the internet.  We still visit, and we share.  Some ladies might not know it, but when they share their family celebrations on social media, like pictures of relatives, great spreads on the table, and their own emotional words to garnish, people like me who miss that so very much, can once again remember and relish those times.  It is a truly amazing gift.

There’s always a bigger stick.  We just have to get over that.  As I try to re-arrange my mind and my environment, and my life to include another new person, unexpected and yet completely not…  it feels like this game we are in is actually much more than just a test.  It is an inter-active learning field that is the high-tech version of a “scratch-n-sniff…”  🙂  They say everything we perceive as matter is just an energy field that vibrates.  Understanding that my emotions and energy, what I give forth also create such fields, ripples into the universe, it feels like second nature, like moving through a landscape and waving my arms and voila’ — there before me appears something else new and wonderful and exciting!

Truth is, I am working harder at 59 than I ever thought I could.  I thought by now, I could just kick back and coast for a while.  Oh, no!  🙂  That tendency is evidently not in me, thank goodness.  Things are speeding up and you would do well to keep up, if you can.  How do you do that?  By not becoming overwhelmed by anything.  Do not let Anything Completely break you down to the catatonic state we all know.  Oh sure, you can have a little mini-meltdown on the back porch, punch a pillow in the laundry room, or if you are truly at your wit’s end, run, run, run…  just put on your shoes and take off!

Someone in my family used to tell me, “Just buy some time.”  That is very good advice if you are feeling confused and a bit disorganized, not knowing where to start.  You have been dealt a great blow, and you must heal and shore up your reserves again.  The goal could be to envision something even better.  A new Lauren that is more flexible, more wise, more giving, more patient, and much much more beautiful!  ❤

Here’s what I learned in the experience of standing alone.  You aren’t going to die!  Whatever problem or obstacle, whether it is real or merely a worry, can be healed, changed, de-railed or avoided altogether.  Nothing is ever written in stone.  It is okay to change your mind a hundred times or more!  That’s how you get it right!  All you have to do is to look into the faces of your children to know if you are on the right track.  The innocence and the wonder is all still there.  You can ignite their curiosities and their interests, and in so doing, find your own bliss in these moments.

Remember this too!  Things can change in a New York minute!  So best be ready for the time when you will Want To Be More!  When you meet someone who somehow makes you better than you really are!  But until then, you are good just like you are.  In fact, you are surrounded in a great sphere of energy built of love and protection and pride and joy from all of your soul-family that has come before you.  They sing and laugh and cry with you all the way.  They hold you up when you don’t think you can breathe.

And if mistakes happen, tragedy strikes, sadness grabs you, that’s okay too.  I am the most accident-prone person on the planet.  If there is a mess to be made, I will make it.  But I have to try.  We have to try.  At least when they call our ticket, we can stand up and go, “Okay, I did my best.”  And if that is the end of this test, well, I used to feel a great deal of melancholy at the end of the year when I closed that little booklet and set down my pencil.  I knew that this year was done, my time in this class was over.  But we did not die.  We kept going.  I think that is the lesson to learn.  And it’s okay to reach for that bliss, if you can, whenever you can!

Lauren, follow your bliss!

Fear is being Fed to Us

This post is going to be mostly about fear.  It has been said many times and in many ways, it’s not about what happens to us, it’s about what we do with it.

I can’t say what would happen if a senseless and horrible act was committed and I was there to witness it, or be a part of it.  They also say, you never know until it happens to you.

So I will just pontificate in general terms, because I think the subject warrants some verbage.  We all know “something” will eventually get us.  This party ends at midnight, time to go home.

With that in mind, it seems that fear is something that can and perhaps really should be conquered.  No matter how many times a psyche doctor or hypnotist were to put a large grasshopper on my arm to de-sensitize me from the fear, I don’t think it would ever work.  Logically, I know that the bug can’t begin to really hurt me, they just totally creep me out.  I guess I am afraid of them, in the “please don’t touch me” kind of way.

But one day, I just got tired of the fear.  I wanted to walk in my back pasture, and it was thick with the tiny monsters, but I put on my brave face, and my boots, and I just walked right in amidst them.  Stomping right into their habitat, they starting fleeing right away.  Jumping up and flying sideways with that awful characteristic clacky buzzing sound, (maybe it’s their legs, or their wings) whatever it is, it’s unnerving to me.  But then I realized that they seemed to be very aware of me, of my presence, and they clearly wanted to get as far away from me as possible.  So, point being, even though my feelings haven’t changed much as far as my tolerance of these creatures, I am not really moved to any state of actual fear anymore.

I will tell you the truth.  Several years ago, I was having a very hard time dealing with regular things.  I had a very hair-trigger temper, I was easily irritated, and sometimes I was so overwhelmed by my realizations that I would be reduced to crying, the only outlet I could find for feeling so helpless.

So I went back to the doctors and explained what was happening to me and how it was beginning to really limit me, physically, socially, in so many ways.  Well, of course, I was prescribed an anti-depressant, and having taken them before, I remembered the relief that was possible.  But the doctors also placed a label on my “mental state” saying I was bipolar.  With that diagnosis came another prescription, an anti-psychotic drug, which had a long list of side effects.  But I dutifully took the medicines, as prescribed, because I knew something needed to change.  I wasn’t being myself, and I wanted to feel better.

Some time passes, and I am on a depression site, talking with other depressed people, making some friends, sharing experiences, trying to understand my problems, when another person comes forth and warns me that these anti-psychotic drugs I took were extremely dangerous.  That all doctors knew that people that took them suffered measureable cognitive decline.

Well, at the time this was presented, I was doing pretty good, I thought, even better.  I was sleeping again, I was moving about, going outside, my panic attacks in large crowded places started to be under control, my roommate said how much better I seemed to be.

Then I again started to research the drug, I read lots of forums where people gave their story on bipolar and anti-psychotics.  Bear in mind, these types of drugs are also given to full-blown schizophrenics, people that suffer delusions.  They have problems staying grounded in reality.  But more and more research indicated that I was indeed willfully ingesting something that had devastating effects on my internal organs, not to mention my poor brain.

Then I started cutting back on them.  And I know that when you start backing off a medication, you will suffer reverse effects.  It’s not easy, and it’s not fun.  So I worked at it, tried to just take it if I became agitated, or couldn’t control my emotions, or suffered insomnia.  But soon, I began to notice that when I took this pill, the next morning would just drag by, and I would be “weighed down” by some sort of heavy feeling in my head and my body.

But I am a persistent soul, so I kept at it, until I was able to only take one if my world started to crumble before my eyes, but seriously, if anxiety, for any reason, reared its ugly head.  I so feared those horrible panic attacks, where I could only want to run, flee for my life, usually because I was in a large building and I had to get back out to the air.  But amazing as I found it to be, I seemed to be past this scenario, I could think and stop the process before it started.  It was irrational and I was just being silly.  If I needed to go outside and get some air, fine.  But the dramatics were drastically reduced and now I could see that.

Then one day, the prescription was out.  I thought to myself, well, I better go ahead and fill it one more time, just to have, in case I trip the meter again…  but funny thing happened, the doctor’s office refused to fill it unless I came in, so I just said fine.  Good enough reason to just stop them.  Good day to quit.

I recently read an article about anti-depressants, and how they don’t cure anything, they don’t really “help” the patient, as much as they just cover up the problem.  This stood out like a red flag for me.  Again, I started reading things like it was the first time I ever considered the issues.  It was like for the first time in years, I could think clearly.  I think it is because I am clean and free of the anti-psychotic drug.

Now of course, I would like to stop the anti-depressant med.  But every time I try to back off this one, even if I don’t have head rushes up the back of my neck, I experience some pretty acute anxiety after I try to close my eyes and sleep.  So sadly, I have taken the full dose the past two days.  And I feel stronger today, more directed, more able to control myself, I am more content I guess. But this contentedness is driven by my fear that I could go back to that place of dysfunction again if I don’t stay medicated.

Like anything, as much as we are all different, we are also very much the same.  I may be one of those people that just can’t do without the filter of medication.  I still have to weigh this one out.  I feel relieved that there are no obvious effects of stopping the other medicine, except the insomnia is back.  But I know if I could be more physical, it would make a huge difference in that problem.

You want to know what I fear the most?  Complacency.  Stagnation.  Living in a fantasy world.  Wasting my life.  I fear that if I don’t get my ideas out there where people can read them, I might miss that one person who could benefit.  I see terrible, horrible things wrong in our society right now.  And luckily, I hear other people that share my concerns.  Sadly, I don’t see enough of my friends, or enough other people who are willing to open their minds to find their own truths.  If the things I am exposing myself to, in trying to educate myself, gets labelled “extremist,” then big deal.  I am not a finance expert because I read and expose myself to banking and economic issues.  I am not an “extremist” because I am willing to listen to alternative ideas and people that want change in this nation of ours.  I would be an extremist if I did sell my place, burn the money and move to a jungle somewhere and set up camp.

I think I have gone past denial, gone past fear, gone past anger and blame, into curiosity, and seeing the need for change.  Hoping it is not too late for that, maybe enough smart people can offer up their ideas and people can find a way to have their voice heard.

I will tell you this.  When you conquer a fear, it feels really good.  When you are able to do something, you weren’t sure you could do, it gives you a huge rush of contentment.  When you set forth to educate yourself, learn new ways, set out on a new course, it is exciting and empowering.  I tell you this, I had no money to lose with the banks.  After working for attorneys for years, I was far too suspicious for a 401k plan.  Honestly, I wondered why we worshipped these green pieces of paper with the odd pyramids and the single eyeball on it.  With the words “new world order” in latin or some ancient language printed on it.

If this is “natural selection” gone wild, then I do want off the train.  I will gladly join my peers in building a newer safer world.  If being rich, having super expensive “things” is what has value in “this” society, then I don’t mind seeking another group of people focused on creating a better society.  I don’t really understand all the political terms, like when you hear “he’s a socialist” or he’s a “right-winged conservative.”  After seeing what I’ve seen with Pres. Obama, I don’t trust the elite democrats either.  You know, there was a little guy from Texas, his name was Ross Perot, and he was rich, he had money, but he brought himself up from virtually nothing.  He wasn’t riding on the success of his blue-blood old family money.  I did vote for Mr. Perot, for all the good it ever did.

Until a true leader steps up, until I see someone I can really respect, I won’t be rushing to the voting booths this time.  Show me a person that has credibility, show me a person who has vision, who has courage and heart, and I will step back up and try again.  When I read all the things people are saying about John Kennedy, it just sickens me.  When I hear his speeches, I think I can hear him trying to tell us things he wasn’t free to spell-out in public.  That someone or something or some group took this man’s life, a man that truly was a leader of men, is very disturbing and everyone should take notice.  Then someone killed his killer, who was then also killed.  WTF?  I was a second-grader when Pres. Kennedy was killed.  As far as I can see, it’s been downhill from there.

I am thinking if most people hunker down, hoard a little food and weapons, and just sit back and wait for STHFan, it will be too late.  We not only have to care about ourselves, and our families, but we really have to be ready for change, to embrace what is good for not only our country, but for our world.  There was the war in Viet Nam and the War in Iraq, and today I read stuff where the media was pushing fear on us about a new war with Pakistan about a year ago.  Then it seems China stood up and said “NOT!”

Now I admit, I am not versed in all things political.  For years, as a medicated and very depressed possibly psychotic individual, I was in no way interested in things political.  But as I have begun to open my eyes, grow up, look around, get off the prescription meds, see the obvious, I am far more inclined to look square in the eyes of any man or woman who tries to deceive me.  I will bravely have my voice heard in the face of injustice.  I am soundly commited against the American Policy of waging war in other nations on the premise of spreading democracy and freedom.  Listen to the boys we sent to these wars — I mean, the ones that survived.

I love my people, I love America, but I think that if you were able to take down the Only for profit corporations, what I call the Killing Machines, if you could clean out government agencies and remove the motivation for more and more money, more and more stuff, more and more delusions, I might could think about trust and respect for my country’s government again.  Maybe if my country’s government didn’t purposely deceive me, directly ignore my people and their voice, maybe if we could whittle down all the beaurocracies and all the fat-cat beaurocrats, and re-direct our national focus to actually help improve the lives of our people, really care about the health of our children and their futures, and stop all the madness centered around money, weed out the greedy, and the purely selfish, and open the doors for people who support change without fear of them being killed or eliminated, I wouldn’t need to be depressed.  Then we might actually be able to extend a hand to our fellow man around the world.  And I don’t mean sending troops to other countries to wage war and terror on the people that live there.

You can call me what you like, you can tell me to shut-up, or you can just laugh me off as just another bleeding-heart hippie.  Whatever you want to think, I strongly suggest you look around.  Wierd sh*t is happening, horrible tragic things without explanation are occuring every week.  Here’s the good news, we have the internet.  If you jump on, and do a little research, start listening to people that already saw all the greed and all the problems long ago, you might just have a real natural honest shift in perspective.  And until a whole lot more people are willing to speak up against all the stupid and insane things happening, and I say go even further, to start to engage our “leaders” for change, until then, the abuse of power will continue.  I don’t know exactly what it will take, or where we start, but I firmly believe that every single American person has a myriad of things they can do.  You start in your own world, and you go from there.  We all know what’s right and what’s wrong.  We’ve just been blinded, we’ve been truly subdued.  But when you just can’t sleep anymore because it is the children who are suffering in the end, our beautiful, beautiful babies, it is time to change things.  Really time to do something more than be complacent.

So if that makes me extreme, okay.  In the wake of the latest tragedy in Colorado, I watched old videos today of Breslan, Russia a few years ago, when a whole group of men took over a school of little children, and so many of these tiny souls, totally innocent babies, were killed in an act of violence so horrible it is hard to comprehend.  Apparently, mind-controlled men with no reason to live anymore, can be taught to kill innocents in the name of…  well, something…  nothing in the world could justify such evil.

Yet we are still hunkering down, trying not to be noticed, afraid to give up our routine, no matter how miserable and unproductive it might be, afraid of change…  I put to you now, What if change meant a better life for you and your children, and we could go to bed at night knowing that children in the world weren’t dying because they were hungry?  What if there was something we had missed, because we have been so bombarded with the “bad news,” dumbed-down by drugs and toxic non-food products, what if there was hope after all, when enough caring, intelligent people come together to lead us out of this crisis of mass proportions?  My own family experienced untold amounts of tragedy that was totally avoidable, and I am one of the last family members left standing, and glad to be too, so that my voice can still be heard, and I sleep better knowing that if even one child on earth is affected in a good way to enjoy a better life, because of something I was brave enough to do, or smart enough to say, then my life had purpose and meaning.

It’s just not about being careful and cautious anymore.  It’s too late for that.  I know it’s harsh and brutal, and no one wants to deal with it, but come on folks, let’s pull our heads out, someone please tell the government we’re sick and tired of this circus of deceit and destruction and we are ready to be heard, at whatever cost.  If and when I have to leave this world, I don’t want to be cowering away in my bedroom, taking a pill to sleep, taking other pills so my mind is basically blanketed and silenced.  I want to be working out in the open for change, so that the young people of this country that I love so dearly have a decent fighting chance for a real and honest life.  No more of the crap we’ve been fed for so long.

Maybe I am experiencing an “altered state,” certainly I am not locked in a fear-based mentality any longer.  I see so much experience and potential, so much ability in so many men in this country.  Surely there has to be a way that some of them can come together and demand something better before we all end up casualities of a war we never asked for, never saw coming, and could never win anyway.

I watched a video in the wee hours of last morning, where this really cool old guy was talking about aliens visiting the earth since the 1940’s.  And he wasn’t a nut case, he was just a man, tired of being quiet about it.  He suggested we just say “hi” instead of firing weapons at these ever-increasing UFO sightings.  I tend to think that as in any species, you have your good and your bad.  Clearly in humans, this is the case.  I also watched a video where it exposed how much it matters whether a child is nurtured when they are young, or neglected, and how it can continue to damage them, even into adulthood.  I can just imagine if you took small babies away from their mothers at an early age, and all they had was military training, and the comfort of other soldiers, what monster armies that would generate.  I still assert that it is not weakness to live for peace.  It is inhuman and insane to raise warrior babies.  It is no longer reasonable or acceptable to look away as crimes against humanity are adding up at incredible rates.  If we can just get a grip on what is really going on, how so much wrong in our world is created by men or puppets of an economic system that is no longer viable in any way, I believe it will be then that the good people of our nation will start to stand up and really be heard.  They printed up bogus money, we’ve sat by and watched the national debt rise into the trillions and beyond, we’ve been reposessed of our homes, and let go from our jobs, there are literally women and families walking the streets at night because they have no where to go, while those same people can hardly comprehend what has happened to them.

It is going to take bravery on a massive scale.  Fear is the first and most treacherous enemy we have to face.  Once you get past that, once you face what your fears really are, you can move past all that nonsense and start to become empowered again.  I think the most important thing any one person can do today or tonight, is to simply just look around.  Are you really happy?  Is there anything at all you can do, is there any tiny amount you might be able to give, in support of change.  Even more important, we must stop and find our voice.  Help other people to step out of their box, fight for a better tomorrow.  Expose all the lies and untruths that have been heaped upon us.  Stop the poisoning of our water and our food supplies.  All we have to do is stand strong together and be heard.  Strange stuff happening everywhere just started to really penetrate my blanketed brain, and I finally began to see the tragedy occurring all around me.  Sure, there are lots of rich elite that don’t want anything to change.  There are a lot of scared little men trying to avoid change, because of fear.  In closing, I will just point out, in all humility, that we were not intended for a life such as this.  We are far stronger than we think we are.  Get on the net, start looking for other people that are ready for change, find your own personal cause, and let’s show the world what can happen when America opens her eyes and starts cleaning house.  It’s coming, ready or not.

Dawn and Quiet Raindrops

Or expect “quantum chaos” and be pleasantly surprised.

“…my feet move through foamy waters, my soul to every far away star in the galaxies…”

There was a great religious man, and he forbade his people the listening of music.  Music is a beautiful celebration of man’s voice in the universe, longing to be heard.  Embracing this quality does not make one weak, rather, it transcends all earthly bonds and takes your breath away…  and for that instant you have touched that understanding that so many would seek to obscure.  I applaud beauty and inner peace, achieved in most any fashion, as remarkable.  I contend that you could sidestep the whole conflict by simply entering the stream.  All at once, you feel very small.

My greatest weakness is fear of physical pain.  Logically I know I can transcend it.  It appears there is some measure of protection in most cases.  There is always that point where you are clearly not where you were.  And from all accounts, this is the point where the first impression is critically important…  what you do not want to see is any type of dark or divesting entity, because it will most certainly be exhibiting exactly the type of images you never want to re-live.

If the human perseption of polarities is a simple feature of the hologram theory, then in actuality there is most definitely a darker side where most persons do not go, many want to remain ignorant of, and some will not survive.

I like the story of the guy who went to heaven only to be found later sitting in a smokey room playing cards somewhere.  Or the one about the guy who went on a permanent fishing vacation.  If I get to put in my request, I’d like go to the Rocky Mountains, not too far up, with a good dog and a horse.

All the modern paranormal shows have reached a certain concensus.  There is measureable activity and it appears to have intelligence.  Some may be able to perceive an actual image, at times.  But again, I ask the question.  What is the point?  It’s certainly not necessary and its playing with fire.  I’ve seen animals in terrible shock and pain.  Animals that I loved.  And I’ve seen some animals that will hardly make a sound.  That tells me you can ride it out, no matter the physical pain, because here’s something to support the idea of faith: There is a growing body of evidence to show that one dimension has the capability to interact with the other through the use of breaks in the energy field, some sort of access to the other side.  In my best estimations, these are the troubled spirits of troubled people, the ones who will purposely participate in cross-dimensional interractions in real time, our time, the only place time is actually measured, for their very own purely selfish and sometimes victim-based reasoning. Perhaps to even some score, to finally broadcast some long harbored injustice.

At some point every one of us is released and that line, or barrier is breached. There should be no looking back. No unnatural means to retrieve my soul back into my broken body will be tolerated.  All those people who have danced on the edge and returned seem to be unsettled, no matter how hard they insist that they are forever changed, they’ve reached some sort of state of equinimity.

It clearly doesn’t matter at this point, what you think about the situation.  It seems altogether likely that if things don’t quite add up right, there could be some delays with your transit pass.  Interestingly, some people tell stories about instant joy, freedom from any kind of worry, any kind of pain.  If this happens, I would probably be overjoyed too.  Simply enter the stream.

Conversely, there are many challenging and rewarding exercises we can engage in as we travel the path of the human condition.  Incidently, the exciting field of the paranormal may have hit the proverbial high point, and high drama with great technology will soon become empty and passe.  The impact of their good deeds for those already passed is questionable at best.  But then troubled spirits may well be just as tedious and unreasonable as they were in real life.  We’re over it.

So thanks to paranormal investigations that are broadcast, it would seem that the afterlife can be just as messed up and complicated as things are around here.   I’m sorry I don’t really want to leave my comfortable and happy life.  I refuse to cooperate.  But when the deed is done, let me go, for goodness sake.  Just let me go.

I am finally of the opinion that everything will be fine.  That measure of protection that seems to be in place is highly appreciated.  I can work with that.  I think all the happiness and wonder I feel in this life has to translate to the next in some like manner.  I don’t need to parlay with restless spirits or battle with demons.  If I ever find myself in such straits, I will dispatch the offending presence, just as I do and have done on this plane.  There is no doubt of unimaginable chaos and things beyond reason and comprehension.  The drama queens of television have played on this prepice since the days of The Twilight Zone.  I just simply choose to ignore the unsavory and engage myself in the making of fanciful tales of adventure and romance.

This modern world is great in so many ways, but my heyday was much simpler.  We just didn’t know so much.  The fine line between reality and imagination was still in place.  At least we thought.

I like what the late great George Carlin says in the movie Jersey Girl:  “The sun even shines on a dog’s ass sometimes.”  I like to look on the bright side of things!  I really like George Carlin.

“…and the wild incessant twanging of the sitars takes hold with the drums and we rock, and dance to the silver sparking from our fingers…”  and when the music stops, we freeze.  And all you hear in that second is the crackling of the fire on the beach under the blessed moonlight.”  Magic!

 Early spring meditation 2012

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