I guess every one you know has lost someone. That journey started for me when I was a teenager and my Pa-Pa died. By the time you get to be my age, you tend to lose count. The worst was losing my mom. Not long after followed my dad. Never had any kids, and I was divorced nineteen years sgo. Just found out that he died too, this April. In between all of this, more than a few animals I loved did leave me. It’s a stark, scary feeling, this being so alone. People want to give me drugs, all kinds of advice on what I should do. It’s all good, only this is my journey now. My time to remember. One technique I use when I hit that wall, when you can’t breathe, and the knot in your throat feels like a baseball. I imagine a beautiful white Craftsman Bungalow, with red pillars on the front porch, nandenas large and bushy on every side, same old porch swing my Pa-Pa swung me in right after I was born. Of course, now, it’s hardly the same. My dad painted over all of it with some God-awful brown paint, and my pathetic alcoholic brother keeps the doors locked and hardly seems to care. All the beautiful plants and flowers my grandmother planted and loved are gone. Sycamores gone, no sign of the Mimosa tree we all climbed in as kids. Even my grandmother’s red spider lillies disappeared. But in my mind, there is another place. As much Heaven to me as it gets. The amazing white frame house my Pa-Pa built sits high on top of the hill, and the two old rock driveways that go up beside the house are still there. I see my mama’s ferns all green and bushy all over the front porch. I can even smell the frothy bubbles of Palmolive dish soap in the kitchen sink. But no longer do my grandparents live there alone. It’s a busy place again, just like when they were young. Only new people are welcome and happy there, like my friend Brenda, who died in a car crash years sgo, and little Lori, who had scoliosis, and ended her life before surgery one bright morning. All the old folks, family and friends they loved are hanging around again. My mom is there, with one of her pretty dresses on, and her curly hair all soft and nice. My Daddy likes to sit out on the big concrete steps up front, and play his guitar. And even my husband Charlie is there now. He fixes everything. And works on cars again. He rebuilt my Pa-Pa’s old garage out back, under the huge black walnut tree, and never loses his tools anymore. But the best part are the animals that live here. From the littliest kitten I had to say goodbye to at such an early age, the beautiful pair of Siamese cats I loved so much, Pepe the skunk, Lucy, the dachshund, Barney, the border collie, Mew-Mew, Elmo, Beau, Mirabelle, so many other kitties i loved, all there, on the front porch, playing in the yard. The Mimosa tree is there again, all green with magenta blooms, and the tall sycamores grace the side yard once again like giant soldiers. When I am tired or sad, I can go sit in Pa-Pa’s sleeping porch, and play with Petey, the parakeet, and smell my grandfather’s cherry tobacco. Even my old dog Lizzie is there, and she hangs out with Mama now. Paleface, Tigger One and Tigger Two, Cleo too, all play in the soft green grass. And my Guardian protector, old Bruno, lays beside my grandma’s spider lillies. Everyone’s there, and the front door, even the back door, they are always open. And I don’t have to be so sad, or miss them all so much. I can invite anyone I want to come over, and they do. What helps me most, is to think that one day, however it comes, I will have angel escort right back to this blessed house, on the hill, where everyone waits for me. And at Christmas, the lights go up, and they make pecan pies, and hang the stockings again for Santa. My life was full once, and one day it will be again. And nobody will ever tell me different. However hard or challenging life seems now, whenever it just gets to be too much, I have a place I can go. I don’t need drugs, or counseling, or a room in some cement building. I just need trees, and squirrels, red birds and chickens. And I have all that. Abigale, my little rat terrier, raised as a pup since 2000, is still right here beside me. And I tell her about this place all the time. We have a good place to go, no matter what happens here. Anyone can do this, have a happy place to go. The sun shines there, every day. The old truck starts right up, and nobody has to drink or act ugly. Only goodness and mercy live here. In my heart. And nobody can take that away from me. 💜💚💛💚💜💙💜💙
Posts tagged ‘grandmother’
Proceed with Caution: Strong Feminine Influence Ahead! I must admit there have been more than a few times when I’ve stopped mid-flight, like some poised stage actor, at that one final instant before you accidentally step off that enormous cliff. And in this moment, I have wondered so innocently, “What do I do?”
There are many situations that can present in our modern world. I believe that the modern woman is stretched so far beyond what has been our traditional roles, that even in this great year of 2014, I feel like a cave-woman, washing out my skins in the river. It’s important to remember that even though we are highly equipped these days to zoom in and out, it might be prudent to take time out of your week, every week, to touch back down. Literally put your bare feet onto Mother Earth, in her dirt, her dampness, her sometimes stickery greens…
It all feels like a test to me. So if we are being asked to stretch, a lot, then okay. I can do that. The best moment in my morning is that first long enjoyable stretch standing in the wet grass that is my tiny front yard. It is so cute and so poignant, that Mother Nature herself is right at the very edge, at the ready on the entire periphery that is my domain, such as she be. Whatever their test was or is, I’ve managed to fit in my agenda as well, and I like to think that it is a compliment and well worth the enduring effort.
I see so many amazing women now, thanks to the internet. We still visit, and we share. Some ladies might not know it, but when they share their family celebrations on social media, like pictures of relatives, great spreads on the table, and their own emotional words to garnish, people like me who miss that so very much, can once again remember and relish those times. It is a truly amazing gift.
There’s always a bigger stick. We just have to get over that. As I try to re-arrange my mind and my environment, and my life to include another new person, unexpected and yet completely not… it feels like this game we are in is actually much more than just a test. It is an inter-active learning field that is the high-tech version of a “scratch-n-sniff…” 🙂 They say everything we perceive as matter is just an energy field that vibrates. Understanding that my emotions and energy, what I give forth also create such fields, ripples into the universe, it feels like second nature, like moving through a landscape and waving my arms and voila’ — there before me appears something else new and wonderful and exciting!
Truth is, I am working harder at 59 than I ever thought I could. I thought by now, I could just kick back and coast for a while. Oh, no! 🙂 That tendency is evidently not in me, thank goodness. Things are speeding up and you would do well to keep up, if you can. How do you do that? By not becoming overwhelmed by anything. Do not let Anything Completely break you down to the catatonic state we all know. Oh sure, you can have a little mini-meltdown on the back porch, punch a pillow in the laundry room, or if you are truly at your wit’s end, run, run, run… just put on your shoes and take off!
Someone in my family used to tell me, “Just buy some time.” That is very good advice if you are feeling confused and a bit disorganized, not knowing where to start. You have been dealt a great blow, and you must heal and shore up your reserves again. The goal could be to envision something even better. A new Lauren that is more flexible, more wise, more giving, more patient, and much much more beautiful! ❤
Here’s what I learned in the experience of standing alone. You aren’t going to die! Whatever problem or obstacle, whether it is real or merely a worry, can be healed, changed, de-railed or avoided altogether. Nothing is ever written in stone. It is okay to change your mind a hundred times or more! That’s how you get it right! All you have to do is to look into the faces of your children to know if you are on the right track. The innocence and the wonder is all still there. You can ignite their curiosities and their interests, and in so doing, find your own bliss in these moments.
Remember this too! Things can change in a New York minute! So best be ready for the time when you will Want To Be More! When you meet someone who somehow makes you better than you really are! But until then, you are good just like you are. In fact, you are surrounded in a great sphere of energy built of love and protection and pride and joy from all of your soul-family that has come before you. They sing and laugh and cry with you all the way. They hold you up when you don’t think you can breathe.
And if mistakes happen, tragedy strikes, sadness grabs you, that’s okay too. I am the most accident-prone person on the planet. If there is a mess to be made, I will make it. But I have to try. We have to try. At least when they call our ticket, we can stand up and go, “Okay, I did my best.” And if that is the end of this test, well, I used to feel a great deal of melancholy at the end of the year when I closed that little booklet and set down my pencil. I knew that this year was done, my time in this class was over. But we did not die. We kept going. I think that is the lesson to learn. And it’s okay to reach for that bliss, if you can, whenever you can!
Lauren, follow your bliss!
- aching body
- bills to pay
- crooked mechanics
- heavy limbs
- long highways
- love and protection
- love of your children
- mistakes happen
- Mother Nature
- never enough money
- sphere of energy
- tired mind
- trouble sleeping
- worry for pets