Exploring the Human Condition: altered states of consciousness

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAWhen we were little, going to my grandfather’s house was all about playing outside, in the trees.  The area around the house was landscaped with nandina bushes around the front porch and a pink azalea under my grandmother’s front living room window.  Growing up there was a small mimosa tree at the edge of the yard by the road that we climbed in.  I remember the pink blossoms and the strange leaves it had, like something prehistoric, and beautiful.

But in the side yard grew a young sycamore tree that always amazed me by its size.  I remember holding the giant leaves in my small hands and feeling so much wonderment…  and looking up into the high reaches made me feel dizzy.  I could hear the wind up there.

My grandfather went to Germany during the first world war.  I have no idea exactly where or in what capacity he served.  Long after he was able to come home, and had already raised his own family, I was born.  He never spoke about that experience, that time of great sadness and war.  But I remember my grandfather’s eyes more than anything else.  They held a solemn stillness that covered so much.

So many wars later, the idea that humanity still wants to live in this way, well it shocks me more than anything.  We’ve all seen the pictures now, whether we wanted to or not.  It seemed that since Viet Nam the attrocities of war became somehow sensationalized and our warring nature only escalated.

I wonder how it would be, if I could once again sit beside my grandfather, and tell him about high technology, and super-sonic jets, about warfare in space, and how desperate mankind has become.  I wonder what he’d think if I told him that culture had changed so much that music was now comprised of hundreds of different genres and styles, sounds from all over the world are available to us now.  Would he cry a little bit, would his eyes become glassy as I did notice before, when we might just sit together quietly.

He had a stroke one day when he was 71, and it erased all of his present memories.  He thought he was back in Germany, and he did not even know who my grandmother was.  He found an old faded picture of a girl he knew in Germany back then, and some old letters, and he carried them around in his old shakey hands, and would try to show me if I would sit still long enough.

We didn’t see him much after that.  Going out there just wasn’t the same at all.  Sadness covered everything, and my grandmother seemed lost.  I can’t even remember her voice now, because at the end, she hardly ever spoke, at least that I can remember.  She passed away three months after my grandfather.  She just gave up.

When I asked my mother what happened, she told me that Papa had disobeyed the orders of the doctor, and had left his sleeping porch and gone out to the old tall sycamore tree, and started to rake and burn a pile of leaves.  He was just too old, and it was his time to go, and she told me that my grandmother had found him laying in the grass, rake still in his hands.

Many years passed, and after we had Google Earth, I googled my grandfather’s house.  It looked so small to me, and beside the house in the side-yard, was what was left of the giant old sycamore tree.  There it stood for the world to see, an immense tall spire that looked so surreal, so out of place, so bare, and so wrong…

I’m an old woman myself now, and last time I googled the old homestead, the old tree was completely gone.  Like it was never there.  And the old mimosa by the road looked broken and bent, as if it too, was very sad.  The old front porch, with the big cement steps, was sinking into the ground, and the front porch that I played on all my life seemed broken as well.

I wish I could tell my grandfather that everything’s okay.  That he doesn’t need to worry, not about me, or anybody.  That there are good people that will restore our lands, and our waters.   There are people that do not care about money and they will put the precious creatures of the earth before any monetary gain.  I wish I could tell him that people had forgiven each other and that now no child ever went hungry.  That people didn’t have to freeze in the winter, or work hard as children.  That hungry angry men were not killing the wild animals and burning the jungles, but I can’t.

But I can tell him that we can still look up.  And that we know a lot more about what’s out there than ever before.  And it is true.  We are just simple cave men, living on top of a crazy swirling ball of something…  some people think it could be flat, and others wonder if its even real at all, only some crazy experiment gone wrong…  I really don’t think that even matters, because once we get to leave this place, all the sadness and all the suffering can just float away, far far away.

I hope I get to see my grandfather again!  And I hope we can walk together under a whole forest of sycamores.  And my grandmother’s azalea bush is just enormous with huge magenta blooms, like giant feathers.  Maybe it could be like that.  We just start over.  Wouldn’t that be funny…




Live the Life you Prefer


This one is for Terry.

Originally posted on in the life and mind of an artist...:

Channeling info re: dimensions:  Thursday morning, 11:16 am


Imagine the layers of the onion.  Yet this is only our tangible material 3-D version.  It is actually an energy field reaching out in a holographic effect perhaps like the spokes of a great wheel, same being repeated over and over again in ever increasing growth.  Such as it always shall be.

Like the petals of a new flower, life is repeated, then taken away.  But our vision is anchored in this earth plane of the senses so we harbor fears and aggression to ward off any vulnerability.   If you imagine the energy fields that exist all around you, and most astoundingly, within you as well, it is easy to grasp that the perceptions we hold so dear that become habits and opinions are merely the mechanisms of the mind being reflected around, and really nothing more.  In our deliberate scrambling…

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Happy Birthday Kiddo is Right! WOW! Happy Day! Yum!

Sum Total of All Things

Born in 1955, and being shocked by the images and words that were coming off the tiny black and white television in my parents’ bedroom, mixed with the generalized anxiety always present in my first home, peaking to all out panic at least running on a monthly basis, my curiosity and heart was trained on any slight vestige of reason for it all…

Shoot forward to the present, where the overall tone of mistrust and denial rages on, and I find myself inward looking out.  It’s as if to shed all doubt, guilt or opinions, one must also stem the tide of never-ending information and stimulus, not a selfish act, but rather one of self-preservation, I think…

If I had a child, here’s what I might try to say to her…  I can’t make the sunshine break the clouds, I can’t even tell you how long it has been…  I’m not sure why we are here, but for the life of me, I think we best make good of it, in any case…  A terrifying proposition, but the best path to take.  So you suit up, and put your game face on, and you expend no extra energy that is not focused, with at least some direct intent.  Because up in here, up in this almost 60 year old human being, is something much greater than all of that.  It is indeed a great power, a gateway, if you will…

One of my favorite movies shows a great Buddhist Monk sitting in meditation, actually, his death meditation.  All his attending knew what was happening.  And you’d have thought the scene would have been most heart-wrenching.  But, that was not the case.  There was such love and compassion for this great spiritual leader, that they honored his process — a most graceful departure.

I had this stupid idea that things would be easier.  I have done all the prep work to finish things in good time…  The gardens, the house, the animals…  all things…  but truly, Nothing.Is.Easier.  I walk alone here, wondering why I find myself alone? Even the little red bird sings out a pretty song…  There are times when I really like it.  Times when the peace and the trees and the breeze are all one thing and I am just a fleck of dust in this huge picture.  That image really gets your goat, right?

I’m skeered beyond any reason, beyond thinking, because I know what lies ahead and even with the best of education and intention, it feels so terribly difficult to be a “land dweller.”  I live above-ground, eeking out an existence within the framework of what I have been given.  And all I dream of is oceans, wide loud beautiful oceans…  water for days…

While everyone else out here moves along doing their normal thing, I seem to be like a pinball bouncing from idea to idea, the only one here that is really awake and aware.  There is a crazy dance going on out there, I am thankfully not a part of.  I prefer my handful of interesting friends, my familiar trees and birds.  I may be alone, but only in terms of being the only human here most times.  There are multitudes of creatures with eyes, all looking, all busy, all trying to stay alive.  Just like me.

All I want for my 60th birthday is a swimming pool.  Any kind will do.

For Lauren ~

Proceed with Caution:  Strong Feminine Influence Ahead!  I must admit there have been more than a few times when I’ve stopped mid-flight, like some poised stage actor, at that one final instant before you accidentally step off that enormous cliff. And in this moment, I have wondered so innocently, “What do I do?”

There are many situations that can present in our modern world.  I believe that the modern woman is stretched so far beyond what has been our traditional roles, that even in this great year of 2014, I feel like a cave-woman, washing out my skins in the river.  It’s important to remember that even though we are highly equipped these days to zoom in and out, it might be prudent to take time out of your week, every week, to touch back down.  Literally put your bare feet onto Mother Earth, in her dirt, her dampness, her sometimes stickery greens…

It all feels like a test to me.  So if we are being asked to stretch, a lot, then okay.  I can do that.  The best moment in my morning is that first long enjoyable stretch standing in the wet grass that is my tiny front yard.  It is so cute and so poignant, that Mother Nature herself is right at the very edge, at the ready on the entire periphery that is my domain, such as she be. Whatever their test was or is, I’ve managed to fit in my agenda as well, and I like to think that it is a compliment and well worth the enduring effort.

I see so many amazing women now, thanks to the internet.  We still visit, and we share.  Some ladies might not know it, but when they share their family celebrations on social media, like pictures of relatives, great spreads on the table, and their own emotional words to garnish, people like me who miss that so very much, can once again remember and relish those times.  It is a truly amazing gift.

There’s always a bigger stick.  We just have to get over that.  As I try to re-arrange my mind and my environment, and my life to include another new person, unexpected and yet completely not…  it feels like this game we are in is actually much more than just a test.  It is an inter-active learning field that is the high-tech version of a “scratch-n-sniff…”  :)  They say everything we perceive as matter is just an energy field that vibrates.  Understanding that my emotions and energy, what I give forth also create such fields, ripples into the universe, it feels like second nature, like moving through a landscape and waving my arms and voila’ — there before me appears something else new and wonderful and exciting!

Truth is, I am working harder at 59 than I ever thought I could.  I thought by now, I could just kick back and coast for a while.  Oh, no!  :)  That tendency is evidently not in me, thank goodness.  Things are speeding up and you would do well to keep up, if you can.  How do you do that?  By not becoming overwhelmed by anything.  Do not let Anything Completely break you down to the catatonic state we all know.  Oh sure, you can have a little mini-meltdown on the back porch, punch a pillow in the laundry room, or if you are truly at your wit’s end, run, run, run…  just put on your shoes and take off!

Someone in my family used to tell me, “Just buy some time.”  That is very good advice if you are feeling confused and a bit disorganized, not knowing where to start.  You have been dealt a great blow, and you must heal and shore up your reserves again.  The goal could be to envision something even better.  A new Lauren that is more flexible, more wise, more giving, more patient, and much much more beautiful!  <3

Here’s what I learned in the experience of standing alone.  You aren’t going to die!  Whatever problem or obstacle, whether it is real or merely a worry, can be healed, changed, de-railed or avoided altogether.  Nothing is ever written in stone.  It is okay to change your mind a hundred times or more!  That’s how you get it right!  All you have to do is to look into the faces of your children to know if you are on the right track.  The innocence and the wonder is all still there.  You can ignite their curiosities and their interests, and in so doing, find your own bliss in these moments.

Remember this too!  Things can change in a New York minute!  So best be ready for the time when you will Want To Be More!  When you meet someone who somehow makes you better than you really are!  But until then, you are good just like you are.  In fact, you are surrounded in a great sphere of energy built of love and protection and pride and joy from all of your soul-family that has come before you.  They sing and laugh and cry with you all the way.  They hold you up when you don’t think you can breathe.

And if mistakes happen, tragedy strikes, sadness grabs you, that’s okay too.  I am the most accident-prone person on the planet.  If there is a mess to be made, I will make it.  But I have to try.  We have to try.  At least when they call our ticket, we can stand up and go, “Okay, I did my best.”  And if that is the end of this test, well, I used to feel a great deal of melancholy at the end of the year when I closed that little booklet and set down my pencil.  I knew that this year was done, my time in this class was over.  But we did not die.  We kept going.  I think that is the lesson to learn.  And it’s okay to reach for that bliss, if you can, whenever you can!

Lauren, follow your bliss!

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